is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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