im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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