Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
