I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
