I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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