I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
