His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
