If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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