our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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