My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
