So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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