You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Your penis caused this!
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