It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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