I wish I could punch you in the face.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
