is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
