our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
