My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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