he thought i was a dude.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
