oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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