And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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