Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
