I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
