Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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