why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
