Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
