My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
