apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
