evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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