i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize