i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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