Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
