went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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