A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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