are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
