I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
