And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
