he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
