Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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