The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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