So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
