I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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