I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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