franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
