I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
