i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
