I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize