got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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