we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
