So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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