i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
