So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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