I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
