she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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