If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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