just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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