dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
